Blinded By the Light

Awaking to the truth and authenticity of my life…

I had been absent for so long. Maybe this post might answer the question as to why…

As I was preparing dinner this evening, it hit me how blinded I had been for so many years. Blinded, Blindfolded, having bridle blinders on as they are used on a hitched (harnessed horse, ox, or mule). I constantly feel like such a jackass, so I guess a harnessed mule with blinders on will be the best picture to paint.

Three Thanksgivings ago I came out of the closet to my openly gay little brother. Told him of my decision to stop hiding. I stuttered and what seemed like almost choking on the words, and I will always remember his response, “I think I need to hear the word and you definitely need to say it, out loud, and be proud.” “Yes, I am gay.” I have known it for so many years and fought angrily against it. As being taught in my past religion that having such feelings for the same sex was just not wrong but would thrust me down to hell with the rest of the perverts of the world. He was the first I told. He was the only one of the family I could tell. We hugged for a long time and because of my mismanagement of time, we were late for Thanksgiving dinner and since I had the turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and two cheese cakes, it really was dependent on me to be on time. We were late and my brother-in-law gave me a smartass remark and of course, I whipped out a response right back that I could take everything I prepared back down to my house. Of course that created an evil eye and disciplinary response from my older sister. Then he had the nerve to ask me to pray over the meal! I will never forget how angry I was and ALL I wanted to do was go home and have ramen noodles. Nothing was worth this kind of treatment. And just to top it all off, I was at the kid’s table again. I am 55 effing years old and my great niece of 9 gets to sit at the adult table and I am always reduced to the kid’s table. Don’t worry it has now been rebranded to the “Cool Table” and now they all want to sit with the outcast. But I have seriously digressed.

David Jack was the only one I told for almost a year. I told some very dear close friends. They were and still are super supportive. Most of their response was, “Duh, we’ve know you have been all along, just have been waiting for you to say something.” It may surprise you because I know it has knocked me into another world. But the one person who hasn’t been 100% on board with me coming out, is my best friend, my ex-girlfriend, the one I lost to a man, twice. Somehow my coming out has created for her only turmoil. I told her so many times and she just wouldn’t listen and didn’t want to really hear what I was saying. Although all her family knew, when I asked her specifically not to say anything as I wanted to be the one to say something. Gay slurs are part of their everyday conversation. I didn’t and haven’t wanted to be a part of that for so very long. The detailed story will have to be for another post, too much to go into now.

I continue to be angered and purely disgusted with the continual findings of the religion, and the church I have left behind. From financial fraud to covering up the abuse of children under the umbrella of clergy privilege, not to mention the neverending hypocrisy is just too much for my mind to comprehend. I am continually horrified when I come across a doctrine I taught, as a faithful patron giving up so many things in my young life just to be accepted, only to find out it was and is still all a lie. The doctrine I believed to my very core that I was one of God’s chosen and justifying the outcasting of my own brothers and sisters of race, gender, sexual orientation, and political views. I struggle daily, almost hourly, at the horror of it all. Even worse is the answers I accepted when I confronted a person of leadership about my concerns. It is and was all a script, they all say the same thing in little variations when asked about why African Americans or any person of color could not participate in their saving ordinances or why are those with same-sex attraction always shunned and told they are going to hell? And even better, why am I paying 10% of my gained income so that the church can just get richer. My Dad told me once when our local farming community was trying to raise $100K as our part to get a much-needed church building, he said, “If you knew how the church really operated, you wouldn’t be a member.” I never thought much about that but of all the things that went on between my Dad and I, that is the one thing I remember time and time again. He was a rebellious teenager, then he had a family, got active, and was true blue from then on. Well, Dad…I have finally taken the blinders off and realized how the church really operates and I am no longer a member.

Growing up in a very small community, I was so sheltered. So when my girlfriend and I were seeing each other, it was a BIG story in the community. We swore every day that nothing was going on, when secretly everything was going on. Any minute we could spend together we did. Even a wave from the front porch as I drove past her folks home on my way home from work. I knew nothing of what was really happening in the world. I remember doing a research paper on the Vietnam War and just got more and more appalled at the things I found and read. My favorite reading material came from the high school library, US News and World Report. Little did I know that any issue that had anything controversial was removed from the shelves even before I was able to check it out.

Even as a young adult at Brigham Young University, trust me I only went there because it was the farthest school my parents would allow me to go, there was never anything available when it came to controversy. The majority of the student body was “protected” from the horrors of the actual world. I knew nothing of the riots at Berkley, Harvey Milk, Dianne Feinstein, Ruth Bater Ginsberg, Charles Manson, and even MTV was HIGHLY monitored. I am actually surprised looking back that “Days of Our Lives” was actually shown at the student center where many of us gathered to watch in between classes. I knew of the attempted assignation of Ronald Regan, and I knew about the Shuttle Disaster. I was dumbstruck when I heard that John Lennon was killed. (I was listening to the radio quietly in my room, downstairs). And believe it or not, I knew about the attempted assassination of Pope John II. I mean I grew up with 3 TV channels and 1 PBS station, so all things considered, I knew more than some. Cable was out of the question and satellite would only bring porn into our home and would not be tolerated, no matter what.

I just recently returned from a visit to the City by the Bay, San Francisco, California. Back in 2018, my little brother gifted me a trip to come visit. Now was a perfect time to go visit him and the coolest brother-in-law in the world. Since coming out to him, I have since come out to my older brother and his wife, my little sister, and some of my nieces and nephews. There is still my Mother and my older sister. That is going to take some HUGE amounts of courage and guts, but yet again another post. I wanted to make sure that whoever I told, I told them face to face as I wanted them to see the happiness I have as I am finally being my authentic self. It has gone well. I still have more family to do and some other friends, but it is a slow process for me. I think in a way I am still coming out to myself. After so many years of indoctrination, it just doesn’t shut off with the words, I am gay! Going to San Francisco was like taking a drink from the fire hose. They did say to me that if things got too queer just to let them know. They are so protective of me. Our first stop was in the Castro District. This baby lesbian (queer person) had no idea there even was a district. We ate brunch at the best little cafe, “Orphan Andy’s”. (If you ever go to the Castro District, you must eat there, no matter the wait! It will be worth it!). The owner was such a nice man. Talked to us and was just so grateful that this was a stop on my tour of the motherland. Then we went to the Gay History Museum where my brother volunteers. I read every plaque. I read everything on the walls. I have always disliked the whole rainbow symbol for the LGBTQ+ community. But when I saw the part of the original rainbow flag created by Gilbert Baker, it brought tears of shame to my eyes.

“I thought of flags in a new light. I discovered the depth of their power, their transcendent transformational quality. I thought of the emotional connection they hold.”

Gilbert Baker

From the display, “Gilbert Baker arrived in San Francisco in 1972 during the early years of the Gay Liberation movement. He quickly became well known for his sewing skills and flamboyant creations, such as drag costumes and political banners for street demonstrations. In 1976, while preparing for the year’s Gay Freedom Day celebration, City Supervisor Harvey Milk (1930-1976) and other local activists appealed to Baker, the co-chair of the Decorations Committee, to create a new symbol for the LGBTQ community to be unveiled at the event in June. Using color to establish meaning, Baker conceived a flag that would empower his “tribe” and a “rainbow of humanity” motif to represent the community’s diversity. He assigned symbolic meaning to each of the flag’s eight colored stripes.”

Pink = sex

Red = Life

Orange = Healing

Yellow = Sunlight

Green = Nature

Turquoise = magic and art

Indigo = Serenity

Violet = Spirit

I am embarrassed and so very angry at myself for disrespecting the rainbow flag and ALL that it represented. I told my therapist not to expect me to ever wear or display a rainbow flag. And yet, what am I waiting on from Amazon but two rainbow lapel pins that say I am a safe place and other rainbow items. I can’t let that sacrifice go unhonored!

I quickly wiped the salty, very salty shame tears away to suddenly hear the words of Harvey Milk. A recording he made in the event he was assassinated. On the lighted display behind his transparent portrait is the very suit he was shot in. I again shed more tears and am speechless at the utter violence against a man who only wanted to be treated like everyone else and have the same rights and privileges as everyone else. Then little did I know, that Dianne Feinstein was the one to find him and break the news. I can’t even imagine!

I have such strong feelings now when it comes to the LGBTQ+ community. They are my tribe now and it is time for them to be supported in every way possible. Not sure I am quite ready to walk down the streets at Pride, but I do know I have a determination to help others like me, who question their faith and their sexuality. I feel very strongly that I have a purpose and am just starting to uncover the things that my God has intended for me to do all along. I don’t want to be known as “Ronda the Gospel Doctrine Teacher” in my little community. I want to be known as “Ronda the Safe Place” or “Ronda, who will not bullshit you and give you the sunday school answers anymore.” That is kind of a lot to put on a business card, but rest assured it’s coming and to steal from the Standard of Truth, like Joseph Smith did to documents, ordinances, and young women’s virginity, “The Standard of This Truth, Equality, and Real Unconditional Love has been erected; no unhallowed or bullish hand can stop our work from progressing; persecutions may still rage, mobs may still combine, armies and governments may still assemble, calumny may defame, but the real love and truth of God – Our Creator and Father, will go forth boldly, nobly, independent, AF fabulous, drag glamorous, hand in hand, arms locked, and lips loaded till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country (especially this one), and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of my God and yours shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah, our Brother and Example shall say the work is done”

Trust me, it WILL HAPPEN! https://youtu.be/Rpq35wyDi7I?feature=shared